Mirror Mirror

The seat belt clicks perfectly in the holster to which it belongs, I swivel my body forwards to prepare myself for the short drive we are about to make – climbing into the car I hear words of what’s going to be planned for an upcoming birthday and what festivities should be placed where. Disney sing along comes pulsing across the radio speakers and we start to hum the melody to our favorite tunes that once described our vacation to the state where oranges grow. Humming out of tune and staring at the back of the passenger seat in front of me my thoughts wander away from me…

My mind takes me back to a year ago – a different time, a different city, a completely different state of mind; but there we were in the exact same seating arrangement going to the exact same eatery, funny how those things seem to work out like that. I recall the feeling of helplesness while I watched you from a far, I remember looking at your every move – examining it, studying it; for what did people under such circumstances act like after such a horrible tragedy?

I watch you in the same mirror as I had a year ago – sitting in the same seat of the same car under the same – yet different – circumstances. The face I see in the mirror is a different one than it used to be, this one has an ease of grace to the fine lines where dimples have so gracefully come back to pull a smile across your face, this face has eyes that are just as big and beautiful as before – but they hold a different weight, one that tells me that you’ve seen your fair share of life thus far and from what you’ve seen and experienced you’re perspectives have changed. I see the girl I knew a year ago – sitting in the front seat as a woman, one whom has helped me through many battles and horrible times, a woman whom I admire and adore; a woman who has handled herself with the grace of an adult in such a horrific situation…

 

I close my eyes sometimes and I can still hear your laugh – I can still hear her call you babe, I can hear the way she sounded sad when things weren’t quite right but the way her voice sounded when you were around. I can see your shining face snuggling in with hers. I can also sometimes hear her screams from that day – I can hear her saying ‘no, no, please don’t go…its over – he’s gone’, I still remember them pulling plugs while swirling around your body as we accept the fate of the flat line of a machine, I remember holding her and telling her it was going to be ok simultaneously thinking I was so full of shit. I remember hearing her wail with the pain of her heart breaking, and I remember the sound of the bed being wheeled down the hall with your lifeless body on it – going into surgery where you’d be giving life to 5 other people.

Oct 1 is a sad day for us because you were taken from our world far too soon to venture onto a superior one of your own – Oct 1 also holds happiness to us because we know that fateful day you selflessly gave 5 people the gift of a second chance at life. While we hurt you are not with us, I smiled today standing over your grave looking at the woman you left behind – because although tears were flowing down each face, she looks different this year, she looks as though she has been blessed with a wonderful man who loved her dearly – and through that has truly seen what the world has in store for her and what she deserves. Thank you for being the guideline to which she will choose a suitor and thank you for making her so happy and loved, i’m sad you’re not here to continue that as are you, but you have gifted her an eternal happiness no one can take from her ever. I know you’re here because I still feel you from time to time when my mind wanders or I pass you on my way to work in the morning – be there for B, and hold her tight at night – she needs it; she may be ready to let go someday but that day isn’t today, just as much as you didn’t want to leave her she doesn’t want to let you go – let her know that it’s ok for her to be happy and you’ll always keep her safe. Thank you for being the most beautiful guardian angel anyone could ask for – and the one to always have a squeeze on our girls heart – stay shining up there between the clouds and don’t ever forget how much we love you.

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