Good Riddance 2011

I’m not sure why I’m hustling to finish this post before the strike of midnight (maybe all good things come at the last minute) but a few days ago (Wednesday to be exact) there is such a thing called “good riddance day” if you’re scratching your head wondering what in the hell I mean – it’s as simple as this. Think of the past year that has now succeeded you – what resolutions did you make?…did you live up to them (it’s ok sport, life goes on) did you feel defeated by them? Or even better did you forget about them? Either way this has nothing to do with it – Good riddance day was established 5 years ago by someone who wanted to embrace the out with the old part of the term “out with the old in with the new” because as creatures of habit we always welcome the new – we embrace it – and we prepare ourselves with planning to make plans (yes that is what a resolution is by my own definition)
I feel as though this person had the right idea – to completely shed your skin of the previous year to be able to make a warm coat with plans of the next – see it’s ok sometimes to plan to make plans…the part that I struggle with is planning to make plans when you haven’t taken off the old jacket with all the plans nicely organized to the front sides and back…you’ve got to live your own life – let your own self go – and learn to live free from expectations – that’s why resolutions are shit (sorry mom). Be realistic – set goals…which are glorified small, short term resolutions – do you want to know what that creates? instant happiness and instant fulfillment of success (because guess what…you manifested your own success and happiness right there kiddo!)
I feel as though “National Day Of Good Riddance” is spot on spectacular to what we actually need and furthermore can see for ourselves within the new year – how many people want to lose 15 lbs this new year but feel the guilt of last year (sit down while you read this part: it’s not going to work out for you until you change your thoughts – you can change your world). It’s healthy to look back reflect, acknowledge, accept, and forgive yourself to move forward – this year (although a few days late, what else would you expect) I will be personally giving the world wide web my list of Good Riddance – for 2011 kicked me in the balls of life and I can’t tell you how elated I am to welcome in 2012 with the ones I love.

For the list of good riddance is as follows [if you don’t like negative, now’s a good time to find the Sunday paper, or readers digest – big print edition (it takes longer to read)]

In 2011, although I can’t sum up the year, I can only highlight the parts that truly tested character, integrity, and strength I thought I had I knew – sometimes was surprised that I didn’t.

1. I completely cut ties with the person I loved most to find out who I was without the influence of another

2. I lost more friends in the year 2011 than any other year – more living than dead

3. I almost lost my brother – thank god for his strength, god and medical miracles, he’s still with us

4. I single handedly (did have help) fought a court case I thought was complete bullshit and went against what everyone was convinced to believe to what the truth actually was – made sure there was an article published and press coverage on said event…he still walked out of jail that day and my heart broke piece by piece – but from that I gained so many more acquaintences and friends touched by his story than I could have ever imagined.

5. Spent a summer draining my savings account to start my own business

6. Buried more friends than I can count on one hand…all younger than me

7. Was unemployed by force

8. Still had bills, no one giving the bills gives a shit if you’re unemployed

9. Let a few people down

10. My parent’s lost their jobs

11. My parent’s discussed separation and better yet divorce.

12. A best friend moved far far away

13. Another best friend distanced herself by choice which is more hurtful than burying the other best friend.

14. I saw a lot of failure

15. I felt defeated often

16. We had 2 medical miracles that could have gone horribly wrong

17. I owe my parents money they will never see

18. I was treated poorly by multiple people I love – and although I still love them – I love me, and for once I’m making that important

19. I experienced the real world – where people get flat tires, have their cars broken into, get shit stolen, have unexpected expenses without the unexpected income…it sucked.

20. A lot more people chose to walk out of my life then chose to stay – it made me feel completely unlovable for quite sometime, and no your stubbornness and shitty attitude didn’t teach me anything positive but exactly what I don’t deserve to go through, nor deserve to be treated like…

So as usual when I force my family at the dinner table to share their pits and peaks – I’ll follow all these pits with the peaks they left me with [yeah they don’t include that in the good riddance day – it’s ok, I’m making it my own]

1. I’m so glad I did – because I found out exactly who I was meant to be and what I was meant to do in this world – I’d spent 7 long years living someone else’s life and someone else’s dream, wherever I fit in on the priority list was good enough – fuck that – I’ll get comfy with the top three spots, because I know I deserve that.

2. The friends that I lost living is by their own choice – they have to live with that, the friends I lost dead – they can’t change that – I only hope they are being the best guardian angels anyone could ask for. As for the living – shame on you – your selfishness has them shaking their heads and me locking my heart – your own loss.

3. I can’t even speak on this accord because it is such an emotional story for me – from finding my brother clinging to his last minutes of life – to see him in a diabetic coma and see my family rally around him, rediscover full health in a new way and completely conquer insulin dependent diabetes after being in a coma people twice his size don’t usually live through – I began to believe in God again, and began to realize what’s important – friends leave, people walk in and out of our lives – what we can control and what we can maintain is more important than others mood swings ‘you are the keeper of your own domain’.

4. I poured over that court case for days on end when no one else was willing to help – I gave everything I had for someone I loved. They have since walked out of my life – but I hope that positive memory is engraved in them forever, I did it for you – I cared enough for you to give my time, talents, and stubbornness to help you feel not so alone…700+ signatures not so alone..

5. My savings account is empty yes, but my business is single handedly started – no one helped me nor showed me the ropes and I’m doing just fine “be your own hero & inspiration – It’s ok to leave it up to you”

6. Although we said goodbye and have since buried them in the ground – their souls live on everyday – there’s not a time frame that goes by where you aren’t discussed or referenced, you keep us safe up there – I can still feel you and I know you’re watching.

7. Unemployment rules – no I didn’t get any unemployment checks but it helped me free up the time I needed to re evaluate the important things in life and the important things to me that I needed to fill my life with.

8. Bills will always be there, same as life, and any stress its how you deal with them and who you become because of them

9. You’ll always let others down weather you know it or not – did you let yourself down? I know I didn’t – that I’m proud of.

10. Sorry Mom & Dad you’ve got degrees though so dust yourselves off and make do with what you’ve got

11. Divorce is awful – seperation is just as bad, I hate when I hear about couples “taking a break” sorry news flash – if you need ‘you time’ to ‘find yourself’ and what you want…I’m not going to wait around for that – if its not with me now – its not with me ever…call me old fashioned I’d like to have someone appreciate for what I bring to the dinner table right here and right now – not just on thanksgiving, christmas, and easter.

12. I miss her – but I still get to see her and as shitty as it was to lose best friends that live minutes away it showed me how important our friendship is – because even though 1500 miles separates us…there’s never a day that goes by where we don’t think or speak to one another…

13. I hope she comes around – i’m not holding my breath she does, I stood my ground and stated my case – it doesn’t change the fact that I love her and care deeply for her – it just changes the hearts perspectives and retrospectives.

14. And with that I learned to appreciate success wherever it was deemed to me in an appropriate amount

15. And when feeling defeated you suddenly can appreciate any demise or amount of success given to you thereafter – that I am the most thankful for this year. It really is about the little things.

16. My family is filled with medical miracles – and I can only hope/know that if something as bizarre and completely unexpected happened to me – my family would be there in a heartbeats time.

17. They’re ok with it

18. Deciding to manifest in my own destiny was the most selfish selfless thing I could do – for many years I was living someone else’s life on someone else’s time line and guess what? The second I allowed myself to feel and be hurt or be happy – I was given that beautiful blessing to experience just that – If I hadn’t let the bad go – I could have never harnessed or appreciated the good.

19. The real world sucks – bills suck, some people suck but again – it’s all about who you become because of it and from it then how you react when it happens to you…there are far more people fighting far more difficult battles than a broken window or a flat tire – find the silver lining…it usually lies in the place you least expect it.

20. Thank you. Plain and simple – without you walking out I would’ve thought you were my friends and comrades all along – and when tragedy struck, man that would’ve been awful to have you by my side. You’re good people – but not to me, you mean well, but not for me – and you do well, but please not with me. I found my own strength, integrity, and courage – the one that it takes to put on your big girl pants and go stare down “scared shitless” in the face and let them know what’s up and who is going to win this thing…
Without the huge dissapointment of people whom I thought loved me, waltzing away,  I couldn’t appreciate for a second everything I have and everyone I have right now that cares for me, and isn’t afraid to show it. I’m so thankful to have the blessings of friends, family (an abundance), and people that love me for me, unconditionally – even when I’m a raging bitch it happens more than not. I’ve had the beauty of someone stepping in and up to the unknowing plate of life and love to take a swing and a chance on me – he’s shown me more of myself then I’ve ever thought I knew, I’ve had family come in and express things that have meant the world without them knowing it, and finally unexpected friends that casually skipped in when they had no idea who was skipping out – from there we are shaped and formed into what we know and love, what we want and what we will be. Be yourself – because there’s nobody else quite like you, and it’s OK to be your own hero – sometimes the other ones never show up and you’ll you get sick of waiting. Save yourself.
And in this coming new year – accept the good, bad, and ugly from the past so you can move forward to the future for the better of tomorrow through a better today – be the change you wish to see and never let anyone love you less than you love yourself.

Cheers 2011 – I wouldn’t ‘Like’ you on facebook but I’ll look back for the lessons you’ve taught – 2012 be as gentle as you are sudden upon us, I know this years going to be a good one.

Undone

[written 12/20]

Where did you come from
You’ve got me so undone

… While I occupy my hands with a daily schedule my mind is with you, my feet take me to meetings and my eyes to balance check books all the while my mind is floating away from me creating an allure of smiling like a complete fool while I sit in this public coffee shop immersed in people none of whom I know, all in turn at the thought of you.

You beg the question why I’m not able to escape your mind
I pause in silence, giving you a freedom to refrain

…I know the answer to the depths of me, my core screams its truth while I sit in silence – for the question I treat as a rhetorical, and an answer not worthy of any sort of explanation that can only be felt, not explained.

You’ve got a long road ahead of you
So why was I thrown in the path?

                                                                                    …I wanted to reply with the counter facts of logic to somehow semble together a response, but that’s only something we can feel – not explain. I wanted to present the obvious that your whole world has been flipped upside down and now that it is approaching the normalcy to be right side up you begin to notice the missing pieces. You have been stumbling over things miserably finding your way and your footing to function on your own for the first time in a long time. Surrounding yourself while feeling completely alone in a depth of you no one has been able to even find let alone touch because it hurts that much…

and then there I came in fierce blue heels
not even knowing it on the night before the snow
there were no explanations just magnetism…

                                                                                       …. I feel it’s surge and pulse, and my body relaxes knowing you feel it too, the magnetism is as simple and complicated as vapor – I’m drawn to you because I’ve stood exactly where your feet seem stuck – I’m living proof that it really does get better. Your attraction to me, thusly, is that I am everything you eventually want to be again, a small part of you feels whole when I’m around because I get it, to you feeling it, I don’t judge it, because I’ve lived it, and I’m the future product of finding yourself – and I encourage the same from you.

‘ being with the right person is a culmination of feeling as though you wan’t to be better because of them and better for them, you suddenly realize that the sum of the two is always going to be greater then its counterparts…you breathe easy and relax into the groove of our bodies knowing that we’re taking a huge risk – but it’s worth the jump to see where we fall.’ 

Mirror Mirror

The seat belt clicks perfectly in the holster to which it belongs, I swivel my body forwards to prepare myself for the short drive we are about to make – climbing into the car I hear words of what’s going to be planned for an upcoming birthday and what festivities should be placed where. Disney sing along comes pulsing across the radio speakers and we start to hum the melody to our favorite tunes that once described our vacation to the state where oranges grow. Humming out of tune and staring at the back of the passenger seat in front of me my thoughts wander away from me…

My mind takes me back to a year ago – a different time, a different city, a completely different state of mind; but there we were in the exact same seating arrangement going to the exact same eatery, funny how those things seem to work out like that. I recall the feeling of helplesness while I watched you from a far, I remember looking at your every move – examining it, studying it; for what did people under such circumstances act like after such a horrible tragedy?

I watch you in the same mirror as I had a year ago – sitting in the same seat of the same car under the same – yet different – circumstances. The face I see in the mirror is a different one than it used to be, this one has an ease of grace to the fine lines where dimples have so gracefully come back to pull a smile across your face, this face has eyes that are just as big and beautiful as before – but they hold a different weight, one that tells me that you’ve seen your fair share of life thus far and from what you’ve seen and experienced you’re perspectives have changed. I see the girl I knew a year ago – sitting in the front seat as a woman, one whom has helped me through many battles and horrible times, a woman whom I admire and adore; a woman who has handled herself with the grace of an adult in such a horrific situation…

 

I close my eyes sometimes and I can still hear your laugh – I can still hear her call you babe, I can hear the way she sounded sad when things weren’t quite right but the way her voice sounded when you were around. I can see your shining face snuggling in with hers. I can also sometimes hear her screams from that day – I can hear her saying ‘no, no, please don’t go…its over – he’s gone’, I still remember them pulling plugs while swirling around your body as we accept the fate of the flat line of a machine, I remember holding her and telling her it was going to be ok simultaneously thinking I was so full of shit. I remember hearing her wail with the pain of her heart breaking, and I remember the sound of the bed being wheeled down the hall with your lifeless body on it – going into surgery where you’d be giving life to 5 other people.

Oct 1 is a sad day for us because you were taken from our world far too soon to venture onto a superior one of your own – Oct 1 also holds happiness to us because we know that fateful day you selflessly gave 5 people the gift of a second chance at life. While we hurt you are not with us, I smiled today standing over your grave looking at the woman you left behind – because although tears were flowing down each face, she looks different this year, she looks as though she has been blessed with a wonderful man who loved her dearly – and through that has truly seen what the world has in store for her and what she deserves. Thank you for being the guideline to which she will choose a suitor and thank you for making her so happy and loved, i’m sad you’re not here to continue that as are you, but you have gifted her an eternal happiness no one can take from her ever. I know you’re here because I still feel you from time to time when my mind wanders or I pass you on my way to work in the morning – be there for B, and hold her tight at night – she needs it; she may be ready to let go someday but that day isn’t today, just as much as you didn’t want to leave her she doesn’t want to let you go – let her know that it’s ok for her to be happy and you’ll always keep her safe. Thank you for being the most beautiful guardian angel anyone could ask for – and the one to always have a squeeze on our girls heart – stay shining up there between the clouds and don’t ever forget how much we love you.

Note To Self

We (I can only speak for myself) get caught up in our everyday lives that we forget about the healthy ease reflecting on our past can have on us. Speaking to a friend over coffee earlier today we were talking about everyone’s past present and future – we’ve all got em’ we all want em’ and most of the time we don’t want to share them – we came to the mutual conclusion that when you first meet someone it is both a blessing and curse that you know them as of now, you don’t know their past, and you may have the rare opportunity to walk forward towards their future beside them – I believe each step in that direction earns you tokens to take the ride on the story of someone’s past, it is a large portion of that persons being and makes them and shapes them into who they are.

Reflecting more on the idea I thought to myself
“self, are you completely honest in your head about your own past, present, and future?”
The answer is generally no – I look at where I’ve been, what I’ve come to and where I want to be – all the while noticing the breaks in paths, the redrawn lines on the map of Meg, and the hands of time that don’t stand still while I sprinted to get where I ‘thought’ I should be, thank God I took off the watch. I look back as a teen and try to jump in that mindset, it is a severely clouded perspective with a narrow perception of the world and I thought
“what would I say to myself at 17 if I could tell me something from the perspective of now”
from that questions flows an answer into the following letter to myself circa 2006.

Dear 17 year old self:
It’s Meg – I think you’ve gathered that by now, I just wanted to let you in on a few things that might equip you for not only now but later. That best friend of yours that’s been on your crazy roller coaster called life – it’s all going to work out in the end and you really will be best friends forever. That atrocious hair color you’re currently sporting? Get rid of it, blonde isn’t for you – and it’s not for your budget either…go back to your nappy roots – you’ll be happier. I know you won’t believe this but, not everything is the end of the world – and it’s ok to let go sometimes and not want to have complete control over everything. Whatever you do, don’t drop out of high school because if you do (or did) I’d whoop your ass, I’ll let you in on a secret – you drop out of college, but not for lack of effort – rather lack of aspiration.

17 year old Meg, it’s ok to find your dreams and it’s ok to look within to see them – once you’ve got them, hold steadfast as you lace up your running shoes because you’ll be following them as you see fit and to the success you want to gauge for yourself. The best friends you have now – will not always be there, especially in hard times – you’re going to learn your strength and your worth from these moments in the future and realize that no you really can’t be friends with everyone all the time – it’s exhausting and unrealistic – but the  people you end up clinging to and sharing your life with will be making it worth it because its about quality in these hard times rather then quantity. Quit buying designer things – you’re making mom broke, and you’re being a selfish brat about it – those BKE’s still don’t give you an ass or make me think your any cooler now – let em go. Stand out – because you were NOT born to fit in, you’ve tried – you failed, you attempted again – it shows, be you because it’s a pretty kick ass person to be.

People will be telling you that college is the “best four years of your life” I don’t know where the hell they went – but they suck…because guess what? The public education system didn’t do squat for teaching you how to study on your own when there’s parties and freedom and Friday nights involved – it’s called self control…you don’t have any – sorry kid. All the busy work you’re doing now….they don’t give that in college…all the scan trons you hate now?… get used to em’, and all the hallways you walk down saying hi to people you only half heartedly know  – don’t get too comfortable in them; college will rip you straight out of your comfort zone leaving you to find who you are all over again if you’d have taken the time to do it in high school. Another small secret to you my dear child…you won’t figure you out until you are staring adversity and ruin in the face – when you are completely left with nothing, you realize where to find your everything: don’t get discouraged, it takes some people a lot longer than you to get there – don’t feel failure when you’re just recognizing success. Moments of high school that you will “always remember” really aren’t that memorable after 4 years time – same with how cool you thought you were, how nice you tried to be, or how mean spirited you acted – you get a second chance to change – don’t pass it up, you’ll need it.

Congrats on not having a kid – keep it that way, you are going to find that company doesn’t mean security and love doesn’t mean leaning – your shoulders will get tired from carrying someone else’s burden and your mind will get (pardon my french) fucked from all the emotional complications that are completely unnecessarily placed throughout life and love. Who you are now is not who you are destined to be – take the good parts with and toss the shitty ones to the wayside – you won’t see it for a few years time but when the bad outweigh the good you’re going to hate yourself for a little bit – stick with it and know that you too can change and adapt, adjusting and learning to be the person you’ve always wanted. I won’t tell you it’s going to be easy – because it’s going to suck and you’re going to struggle but through this you will be finding out how strong you are and the worth you have – don’t forget it, and don’t let anyone think they can take it. This ones going to break your 17 year old heart, but the person you’re with now….it’s not forever sweets, and it’s all going to be ok – things don’t end too horribly, no one sets fire to anyone’s things, keys any cars, or slanders the shit out of reputations – it just hurts for a little while finding the truth in the lies, it’s a struggle to put one foot in front of the other but you’ll find your pace and with time you look within to realize you were living someone else’s life for quite some time – once that realization sets in – all bets are off because you’ll start to find yourself and blaze your own trail.

You already know but I’ll tell you now  – apologize to mom, the fights aren’t worth it and the guilt will eat you up for quite sometime, like I said everything is not the end of the world and she’s not as bad as you think. Quit trying to be too cool for your family – because you’ll find soon enough there’s dysfunction in everyone’s not just yours (cats outta the bag) and in due time – you’ll realize how important they are to have them close and to love. You are not the center of the universe or the apple of mom & dad’s eye – you’ve fucked some shit up and the bad news is, you’ll do it even more come 20 – but the good news? They love you through the whole thing, so don’t forget to thank them and tell them what they mean to you.
This won’t be the most important memory or day of your life – and there will come a time where you will look back, and actually have the chance to say to one of your old coaches, that knowing what you know now – you probably would never do this activity again in high school if you had the chance to go back…and guess what – she agrees. It may seem like a waste because you have to stand around acting like your thrilled with second when all you want to do is kick eastviews first in the face – but you’ve learned more from being on this team than you’ll realize – you learn perseverance, strength, courage, and leadership – some of your best friends will remain even after this has passed – hold onto those ones, they are quite spectacular come age 23. Although your hair is unruly – let it be, the waves will stay that way forever and frying them with a straightener wont be helping anytime soon, you’ll figure it out around 22 but it won’t be so bad after that. Remind yourself everyday that what you are waiting for really is worth the wait – because on my end, you’ll be waiting quite some time and when it finally does come along  you will be ecstatic to see it for what it is and appreciate the beauty of it the way it deserves to be. I should tell you to start writing now because at 23 everyone’s going to tell you how great it is – it could be better if you’d have picked up a pen a lot sooner…we’ll get there though. Pay attention in English because you will end up writing a book – a children’s book actually – more than one to be exact, but it’s going to be a lot easier to edit if you’d have paid attention in class…
More than anything I’d like to tell my 17 year old self is to not be afraid of absolute ruin – because you’re going to experience it, don’t fear the unknown and relish in the opportunities you create for yourself – you are going to learn quickly nobody’s waiting to hand you anything, you have to work for it, and you have to work hard. Don’t fear being you – it’s kind of a fun person to be when you’re not obsessing about being like everyone else – change your negative thoughts now and change your life, you have the ability and no amount of therapy is going to help you find that…you are. So go now knowing that it’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything – you’re going to lose it all, but don’t let that scare you – because it’s going to allow you to create the you, you’ve always wanted to be.

“people do it everyday, they talk to themselves… they see themselves as they’d like to be, they don’t have the courage you have, to just run with it” 

Until then 17 year old Meg – fuck shit up the way you were meant to – with a smile and a mean dance move – Cheers.