Simplistic Thanks

Realizing how overdressed I am to be entering an ER or medical facility of any sorts – I lock the car and head towards the doors I was entering not even 2 weeks before. As i make my way to the doors I note on how balmy and unusually warm the weather is for the day before Thanksgiving – 54 degrees is insane for this north land.

These automatic doors have a special way of making you feel as though you are with the force – as quickly as they let you in, they begin to close to keep the cold winds out – they haven’t gotten the memo on the spring like weather. Approaching the doors I wondered how many people would be in the waiting room – was it like two Sundays ago, filled to the brim with sick people? It was around the holidays where an unusual amount of people begin to get sick for inexplicable reasons – other than it’s Minnesota. I was wrong – there wasn’t a single soul in the Emergency waiting room – it was eerily refreshing to know that most people were safe at home with their families.

As I approach the desk a gentlemen no more than my age asks how he can help me – he eyes my clothing and heels and realizes I’m probably not there for any type of emergency, hopefully including a fashion one. I politely ask if a Doctor Amdahl is currently on or if any of his staff are working – sadly no. That was alright I came prepared for that – Emergency room doctor’s working hours are about as predictable as when it’s going to snow in these parts. I handed over the carefully crafted thank you card I had purchased and written in the day we were here last – it sounds crazy because by all odds I wouldn’t have a chance of delivering it – I’d like to say we beat the odds.

The gentlemen at the front desk now completely confused just looks at me and says, “Is there something you’d like me to do with it” I smile, “Well yes it would be great if you could give it to him or put it in a mailbox of sorts – I think he needs to get that letter, he saved my brothers life”. The man looked at me quizzically and I briefly explained – he stood up from behind the desk, walked around to me and gave me a hug – I learned that this was Dr. Amdahl’s son and he’d heard his fair share of horror stories.

Unfortunately I didn’t get to shake the Doctors hand, I didn’t get to look him in the eye and thank him for the wonderful work him and his team of 7 triage nurses did, I didn’t get to express my deepest gratitude or heartfelt thank you with this person, and it was all ok. I know that they work in the most thankless job a person could have and watch lives come in and out everyday – some not making it and most being ungrateful for the care they are given. I thought it was appropriate that my family and I took the time to go and thank the man that had a large portion in saving my brother’s life.

I wanted to acknowledge the man that sat my parents down to give them the talk that there may be no good end of this – the man that although had the funeral planning talk with my parents still performed 110% at his job, the man that has a family of his own at home that loves and is thankful for him, should know that many more people are grateful for everything he does and has done.

Although I didn’t get to see the doctor face to face I know the letter will find him in good health and comfort and when my brother is feeling better we will be taking a trip to shake this mans hand. More than anything I could have wished for, for not only my birthday, but this thankful holiday season, this man singlehandedly gave my brother his life back, his heartbeat, and his breath – he gave us a wakeup call as a family and a reality check as humans – this man has a more powerful job than he knows, he not only saved my brother, but he saved us as a family.

This holiday season I can’t even list out the things I am thankful for because they are in such abundance and in such simplistic terms it almost feels silly – but I feel it appropriate to express gratitude where it is needed – even if it means giving a card to a man who may not even remember us.

I am so very thankful for family, and as cliche as many people think that is, I can honestly say there was a large portion of recent time where I didn’t think I cared that much about them – and as evil as those words are to leave my lips the only thing I can point out is that to know how much you truly love and appreciate a strong entity of siblings and parent dynamics you must have never wanted it or acknowledged it in the first place. I am so thankful for all these doctors and nurses that put their hard work into saving my brothers life, their care and compassion has truly changed me. I’m thankful for my brother to be alive – it’s as simple as that, because to be quite honest he shouldn’t be sitting in the room next to me – or be eating turkey across the table from me today, he is a fighter and a medical miracle, and I’m proud to be his sister.
I’m thankful for the many positive influences thrust into my life some by choice and most by force – I’ve truly opened my eyes in the past year to see where I’ve come from what I’ve become and where I’m going – i’m thankful for everyone having a positive influence to see that and send me in that direction.

In finality I’m thankful for all the unexpected blessings in my life – whether they be in the form of unexpected friends, creative minds, long distant families I will soon meet, survivors, hearing peoples stories, learning, living, and breathing, becoming who I want to be on my own accord, positivity, strength, and being in a relationship with God again…it’s been far too long. Thank you to everyone and anyone that is on a positive path this holiday season – continue your journey for you’re in the right direction, people will always be willing to stand in your way – it’s how you handle the obstacle and hurdle that makes you along the way. Thank you for any friend, family member, foe, stranger or silent onlooker for any positive thoughts and prayers sent to my brother, my family, and I during one of our hardest moments as a family – from the bottom of my heart we can’t thank you enough and I can’t tell you how it truly played a part in all of us sitting here today – thank you and God Bless.

Remember hug the ones you love – they’ll hug back, tell people you love them when you feel it and when you mean it, call the person you’re missing just to hear their voice, and always be kind to one another – we’re all facing a battle of our own kind in our own way.
Be Thankful. Be Well

As Long As I’m Living My Mommy You’ll Be

Though the 80’s and early 90’s weren’t the best of years for my families hairstyle or clothing choices I must admit my mom made some pretty wicked looking clothes for me to wear. From that birthday to this birthday I am so very thankful for my mother for so many reasons I don’t even know where to begin. Although she gave me a mushroom cut from the 1st – 4th grade I forgave her for that, although I look like I was the adopted kid in the family I’ve also forgiven her for that. Ask any of my siblings and they will tell you that I was and always have been a mommy’s girl – yes we butt heads like a bunch of ugly rhinosaurus from time to time, who doesn’t but more importantly on this day 23 years ago I am thankful for the sacrifices you made to give me the gift of life mom.

At that time my mother had the ability to say she didn’t want me or didn’t want to have me – I wouldn’t have faulted her for that, and I probably would’ve never known, but she didn’t, she put her dreams and goals for herself on the back burner and prepared for her third and final child. I have two older siblings whom I’m very close too – we look nothing alike and fight like mad monkeys but we love each other, I don’t know how my mom did it because from time to time I want to kick the shit out of us and we’re all over the age of 20.
My mom wasn’t in the most opportune of moments to have a child of my ‘caliber’ at that moment of life – unwed and already spread thin with working and being super mom she still chose to make the right decision and I can’t thank her enough for it. I have clung to my mom since I was a baby, I’m now 23 and still crawl into bed to get a back scratch and a snuggle from time to time, and when I get married (if that shit happens) my husband will just have to get it and get over it the way my step dad had to adapt to the magnetism of my mom and I’s relationship.

She has been mom and dad for most of my life, she’s been superwoman for almost all of it, and she has been pretty selfless since the day I was born. Thank you mom – simple as that. Thank you for putting your dreams aside to make sure I could grow up knowing it was ok to have some of my own, thank you for pushing me when I needed it, and being a hand to hold when I didn’t want to be pushed. Thank you for the years of back scratches, miles of laughter, and years of memories – you’ve taught me how to be a strong woman, how to stand for what I believe in and how to always chase my dreams no matter who is standing in my way. Thank you for coming around and believing in my dreams when you saw how passionate I was about them, thank you for being proud of me, and thank you for your endless efforts in catapulting me to success. You recently told me that I was your inspiration and you sit back and watch your daughter just shy of 23 in awe at how you raised such a headstrong individual that makes decisions and paves her own path in life – I hope you know that it was through you being my inspiration I learned to do that, no matter who I am or what spunk I possess – I wouldn’t have known where to even place my first step on my own path had it not been for you. You stared adversity in the face and said bring it on – 3 jobs, 3 kids, a single mother – we were poor as shit and couldn’t afford much, but we were so happy and so close with one another that our love was paying any bills we couldn’t attain. Thank you for slicing all the odds against me and giving me the life you knew I deserved – On this day 23 years ago you told me you were given the ‘greatest gift any mom could ask for’ now on this day I want you to know how much I appreciate you and how much of a gift you’ve been in my life.

Like you always read to me “I’ll love you forever, I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be”
Love you mommy

-Your Baby

It May Be Raining But There’s A Rainbow Above You

12. Who knew I’d spend all this money to do what I’d been doing before I went to school to make my parents happy… Either way you look at it (and by that I mean me) the glass is always full.

13. It’s so rewarding that I know I’m doing exactly what I should be at exactly where I should be

14. You should try it sometime – it really is good for the soul. I can’t say that it’s always been this way, nor has it been this way for a long time – but in the past few years, I threw all caution to the wind – said “fuck it” stayed true to myself and I’ve never been happier – sure people don’t like me, but like my big brother always said ‘fuck em’ they’ll come around’

15. Hindsight is 20/20 – my parents aren’t bad people – they mean well.

16. duh, ‘ It may be rainin’, but there’s a rainbow above you ,You better let somebody love you, before it’s too late’

17. looking in the mirror truly taught a lot – and being brutally honest opened doors and healed wounds I didn’t even think possible – saved me a shit ton of money and couch time with a complete stranger. Free yourself – it’s worth it.

Wade Way Out Into The Water

we don’t touch these feelings

we don’t touch these realities

we keep them in letters and words

boxes pictures and phrases

where they are kept best – safe and sound

for if we verbalize, or move those words to string promising sentences

we may be starting our own fire with no extinguisher

we don’t entertain thoughts we can’t maintain

we don’t pretend realities can be subdued into actualities

we are impulsive, wading way too deep in this swimming pool of fate

but my feet are wet and it doesn’t hurt, my heart is full and you made it that way

i’m up to my knees in this business and i have yet to feel any notion of regret

we always said if we were to take this trip its more of a one way destination than any short round trip vacation

if we go that way, that’s the way we go – irreversible

these feelings have their own chunk of fibers in time

they take up so much space we had to install another closet just to hold them all

this emotion has no destination, location, or finalization on any map or legend my heart has looked at before

you are spectacular

and I am wonderful

together is just a technicality away – and a few years time

Your arms began to feel like home, they held some sense of comfort that wasn’t constantly there before, the bad news being for the mere hours of the morning are upon us all too soon and once that key turns, the seatbelt clicks, and i start tracking my way back north to where I came – all these emotions and things we’ve ventured into for the past few days have to be thrown back up into the gray area and hung in limbo for some time – hopefully not to dry, understandably if they do, but know that  my vision is 20 20 and i don’t plan on letting this thing go to hindsight.