A Year Ago Today

I turn over to the sound of my phone vibrating on top of the bedside table, extremely groggy and all of the libations a Saturday night festivity can supply are still in full swing in my system – I only know this because the hangover hasn’t hit yet. I rub my eyes crawling over my best friend to see why my phone is going all Jerry Springer at 4am… That’s a question I now wish I hadn’t asked…
  “Why is he calling me this early, and why like 12 times in a row…am I dreaming this?”…
Unfortunately I quickly found out the reasoning behind the rapid phone calls and incessant attempts to reaching me. “Hey what’s up I just looked at my phone..” I knew right then and there when he responded something was awfully wrong – I could hear it in the tone of his voice, I could hear it in the cracks behind the statement, I could sense it with everything I know about this person…“Meg…something happened…it’s Thanh, he got hit by a car last night” …

Those words couldn’t have dropped my heart into my stomach then into my ass any faster than an alka seltzer tablet. I didn’t believe it, looking back I was almost numbed to it, I just asked foolishly “well is he ok? Is he going to make it?”...
I don’t remember much besides jumping into the car and driving homewards where I had just come from not even 12 hours earlier, I remember playing the conversation over and over in my head until it hit me like a shit ton of bricks and I just lost it – I mean single mom of 6 kids where dad walked out to date the babysitter, I’m working three jobs am still on welfare and am stretched so thin you might be able to see right through me – lost it. I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t see the Northbound lane of 35 anymore, then seemed to be a deeming hour to pull the car over and collect myself.
 ‘ok Meg, you don’t know the severity maybe he really is ok and Biss is just fine..’
It was so far from the truth, but it helped me get myself together to finish this 3 hour journey back home to be with the ones I loved at this horrible inception of tragedy.

I remember hearing that everyone had gone down to Mankato to be in the hospital with him and I remember just going to the nearest coffee shop to sit and wait until you guys got home to come over. I remember staring at that coffee cup not being able to move – not being able to drink – not being able to escape my thoughts. I couldn’t grasp that a best friend of mine is about to lose her boyfriend. What do I say…nothing comes to my mind….what do I do….again, a blank presence of comfort arises.
This isn’t a situation people go through at the age of 20 – girls who have just become women don’t lower their love into a grave, women who’ve just decided what they are going to do with their life don’t take a weeks leave from school to decide who’s going to carry her boyfriend’s casket down a long aisle of a church filled with familiar faces and sorrow. At the age of 20 you’re looking forward to the legal drinking age, the next college football game, dreading what exams are next, and stressing over the ever piling of homework. This 20 year old is the exception to the rule, this gal is one of my best friends and I have known her for quite sometime – how do I say something to comfort someone I’m so comfortable with? Words escape me, I truly am at a loss of noise and sit in a well of silence.

A year ago today – was easily one of the worst days any of us could have imagined – a year ago today we learned of a horrible accident that was irreversible at the hands of an irresponsible man – a year ago today we started to say goodbye to someone who couldn’t say it back. A year ago today I held my best friend while she sobbed in my arms at a loss for words where feelings took over – a year ago today I watched my best friend hold the soft and fragile hand of the man she saw forever with – assuring him that it was going to be ok – a year ago today I saw a woman who was my best friend and confidante gracefully step from one stone to the next, where she is now standing as someone I admire and hope to be someday, someone I truly believe to be my hero – a year ago I saw you, Biss, in the face of adversity handle yourself with the grace of an adult, and bravery I will never forget. A year ago today we started accepting the fate of the present and the outcome of the future – we learned what’s really important in life and getting a flat tire isn’t the end of the world anymore – our small fogged perspectives of  the world grew that day, grew to a full compassion complex, a full human being caring and kindness complex, and grew to a level which we maybe shouldn’t have seen until later on in life…but guess what? I’m so happy I allowed my world open up that day to all the hurt that was lying there before us – because at the age of 23 I can honestly say I appreciate everyday I wake up and am able to walk around, for those that have gone before me at a age younger than mine – thank you for being the example I remember and think of every time I have second thoughts about chasing dreams. Alyssa thank you for being someone I admire, and someone I hope to be like someday – you put strength into the world for other women who are enduring what you have, and that gives them hope – because they see how you’ve succeeded.

For any back story on this post feel free to read here  and here and this one and last one 


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