Many of you can attest to the painstaking process of finding living arrangements and how stressful that can be a top of moving to a completely new and different city. Holy canoly I hate moving more than anything….literally anything….I would rather shovel shit than move an entire life[style] across the midwest. I’m exhausted thinking about it – but I know how many opportunities lie on the other side of that fence for me and which leg I’m planning to throw over the fence first to get them. I’ve taken the time to compile a list of things that would cut my search time in half and my stress to a diminutive state… buckle up, it’s bitchin’.
1. When you’re taking a picture of a studio apartment fellow leasing agents – yes I can tell there’s a fish eye on the camera because we all know studio space isn’t 1 football fields by two full sized super targets – get real, quite kidding yourself.
2. When I select the option of bringing my furry friend Baxter with me, and request that I only view listings of dog compatibility only – don’t show me one that only allows cats….it pisses me off more.
3. Don’t state “NO DEPOSIT” when you really mean to say is “WE ARE SAYING NO DEPOSIT BUT ON THE NEXT LINE YOU’LL SEE THE REQUIRED MOVE IN FEE YOU’LL BE PAYING WHICH IS BASICALLY THE SAME AMOUNT AS A DEPOSIT…BUT YOU GET A DEPOSIT BACK” we’re not all as dumb as you’d hoped we’d be – cut it out.
4. When your selling point in the listings title is ‘free water and heat’….don’t hold your breath on the buyer market walls to come breaking down with people that are allured to that…it’s Chicago – I’d hope you would cover heat you ass hats.
5. Quit confusing “Cozy” with “Cramped to unlivable arrangements”
6. Vintage is only cute when 1] it actually is and 2] its’ not falling off the walls.
7. anything more than $800 for a 1 bedroom is straight robbery and you know it.
8. Why yes I am attracted to ceiling high windows and chic hardwood flooring…but when its actually what you say it is – not this linoleum wish I coulda been a hardwood floor with windows sitting atop of them that I couldn’t even fit my left foot out of let alone get a view of anything besides the pane it stands among.
9. When you advertise “Great View” just know that us ‘youngins’ are up on the times and know how to use google map ‘street view’….11 times out of 10 – you’re full of shit and the only thing great about the view is that we’re not street level.
10. Know that when you state loft – I get excited for natural interior decorating/pseudo design tendencies…what you are advertising as a loft is very far from it. When you say exposed brick…make sure its not because the actual walls have fallen down, when they say ‘rustic’ looking – note on if there’s a branch coming through the front window…we weren’t born yesterday.
11. No your picture of the sink does not sell me on the property nor does the photos of just the outside the complex and walk ups…what’s the reason you can’t or won’t go inside…? Probably the same as mine.
12. A workout room is a perk not a requirement for me – so when you say that and then I note the 1980’s workout equipment and fraying carpet as though some furball was cut loose in there…not a buying point for me…same as your ‘secured entry’…
13. a secured entry by definition should have a restriction to which only people with a certain something (tangible or not) are able to enter…not an intercom that worked 15 years ago and now its there strictly for aesthetics and picture to website sake…bad news? What intercom has ever stopped a burglar…you let me know.
14. Letting me know that parking is available for an extra fee, while I guess thanks for telling me the truth…. don’t kid yourself. If I’m paying that much to live there I’d rather pay a few pennies more to live where I can park on the street for free (comes as a shock doesn’t it?)
15. Vintage Charm – there’s nothing charming about looking out my bathroom window and being able to count the zits on my neighbors ass….some space between buildings wouldn’t kill an ounce of the ‘vintage charm’ pinkie swear.