Live, And Leave Your Legacy

Walking past a casket with a familiar face lying inside there are lines on the face that tell stories we’ll never hear, the closed eyes and mouth make you look at peace like you are in a better place having to stare down at this ugly earth while we have the freedom and joy to look up at that beautiful sky and dream what’s beyond our wildest imagination. Walking past a casket you lie still and look frail – when old age hits an invisible countdown begins. If ever losing a grandparent why have I mourned differently? Why do I walk past in sadness but with a tone of acceptance…it is what it is and its going to be what its going to be. At that age we see the years of experience crossing your face, we wish we would have asked more questions about your life and little things we should have made note of. We see the wear and tear the world takes on people and with age comes wisdom and with that aged wisdom comes a frailty only one finality can relieve where you will be put in peace.

Why do I hurt so much more walking past a casket holding an even more familiar face – this time no lines, a beautiful smile that not one person in the room can forget or finish the evening without mentioning, but no frailty – no fragility…I grieve this a whole lot differently then the rest. Shame on my for attempting to put them in a little box labeled death – as though if I grieve them all the same and let them go then I’ll be just fine and can get back to life…that’s not the way it works sadly enough. I grieve this one so differently because the face I see lying in this casket on this perfect summer day is us. Us in the sense that we are staring at someone just shy of our age and our potential – someone who should be standing next to us, instead lying in front of us – for no good reason at all. Besides all the hurt and confusion that comes with this sudden anguish it’s the fact that we are staring into the face of reality – we see what can truly happen; we aren’t invincible, we can’t drive too fast all the time, hurry up to grow up, and care more about what’s in our bank accounts then in our hearts….that could very well have been any number of us – so as we stare at this familiar face we take note we are not our possessions, we are not the money in our pocket or the labels on our backs, we are not our ever failing relationships, the cars we drive or our got damn designer jeans – we are people, we are the essence of youth, we are the essence of opportunity and self starters – we spend so much time trying to quickly grow up get big boy jobs with big boy benefits we forget to live, we forget to slow down, we forget to smell the wicked humid air in fear we miss the next deadline or important meeting where we can kiss someones ass to move up the opportunity ladder that little do we know is balancing on a rolling log. We are what we create ourselves to be – we forget to live and it’s a damn shame it takes such a striking tragedy to bring us all back together again to mourn a great loss of a great soul. To help us remember that he didn’t die in vein – we can’t help but wonder if we would, getting so lost in the everyday bullshit we lose sight of the actual hands of time – we don’t own them we don’t tell them what to do – they tell us: and if one day our watch runs out of batteries have we taken full advantage of the use of each of those passing moments? I sure as hell hope so.

Things like this happen – sure everyday – but not to us, this is a nightmare we’re all hoping to wake up from then you get on Facebook and see how many people are torn up over boys and relationships and parking tickets; I can’t help but say fuck you, grow up. You’re breathing, seeing, touching, hearing and god forbid, feeling the city and streets of life. And you think you’re getting the raw end? We’re all standing on an ugly earth looking up at a beautiful sky, and I pity those of us who have to sit in that beautiful sky and look at this ugly earth. They’ve found peace at last but at the price of not changing the world their way… So take this as a blessing that we still have the beauty to walk around this place while we wonder what they’re doing at their perfectly peaceful hour – cherish it and embrace it: if you don’t hit the ground running in life – it’s going to do it for you leaving you in the dust or in the ashes, drive yourself to leave your legacy your way – you never know when the end is the last page of a chapter or the last page of a book.

Too Many Have Died Young

Im tired of it…I can’t take anymore of this nonsense

It’s not nonsense in the fact that it’s silly – but in the sense of this is not happening

How many of these things am I supposed to endure within a year

How many feet of soil is going to bury my memories before it is willed to be enough

I’m tired of picking out black dresses that don’t have to do with cocktail hours or wedding receptions

I’ve never worn more black than in this past year

Its a good thing I kept a few blacks from the past few tragedies for the ‘just in cases’ shame on me for thinking that way

It really wrapped around to bite me…

I’m tired of doing my hair

Hearing the clicking of the perfect sized heels I secretly bought from payless because I’m cheap

And can’t afford funerals the way they are coming more frequent then birthdays this past year

I’m tired of hearing eulogies – I want to see these individuals standing there telling me what they are going to do with their lives

Not what they would have done….before the age of 23.

I’m tired of drinking so I’ll forget

Tired of watching people I love, the ones who are left behind in hurt, anguish, and barely rising from the ashes…

I can’t take any more outfit preparing, tear stained handkerchiefs, and old photo box digging

3 would be ridiculous 6 just isn’t real…

I’m sad, I’m hurting – it’s hard to close my eyes and have to see that smile and hear that laugh all over again

It’s hard to look back even further than before and realize someone my own age has died

It’s hard to realize that at the tender age of 22 we have whipped out more funeral outfits than we ever did prom dresses…

I keep learning the same thing over and over – but that isn’t stopping anyone from dying…why?

It hurts, there’s more holes than wholes – it’s starting to truly leave imprints where there should be staircases

…I’ll remember you in the best of lights forever and for always Jeff – a long time friend and a long time foe [only when it came to shotgun]

I’ve known you since the second grade – I dated your brother – I’ll see you laid to rest tomorrow…from the beginning until the end – thanks for being the light of so many peoples lives, that smile and laughter has instantaneously changed many moods through the years.

I just hope others learn from this as if they haven’t experienced any of the past 6 passings I have…take it with you – allow it to be a cornerstone because right now in this very moment, your 40 hours a week and measly overfined parking tickets don’t mean two shits in the grand scheme of things…this is your life and it’s passing you by: minute by minute….you can’t stop the hands, so what are you going to do….

You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis. You’re the all-singing, all-dancing crap of the world.

JMM    4/3/1989 – 8/24/2011 —-gone too young but never forgotten. May your soul find peace while we search for ours here on earth – watch over your wonderful family, I know they need it as well as your love and light…be well, you will be missed and until we meet on the other side whatever that is….see ya like the cool side of the pillow, love you.

Here’s Looking At You Kid[ney]

Kidney’s, they come in two’s – they hang out in the back of the body straddling the spine with the rib cage protecting them, Kidney’s assist in cleaning out the toxins in our blood and are essential organs to the bodies main functions.

There are currently 72,000 active donors waiting patiently on a list to receive a kidney. In 2008 the US contribution to the transplant list made a good dent at 15,000 transplants that year…10,000 from cadaveric donors, and 5,000 from living donors. In my mind I would go out on a limb to rightfully assume kidneys are in better working condition when they are alive. Depending on blood types the typical transplant active candidate is on the wait list and told to not expect anything for at least a year and up to anywhere from 8 to 10 years….however those numbers are for deceased donor transplant times, meaning the living can deliver a whole lot healthier and a whole lot quicker.

I learned a lot from a recent tragedy, a tragedy in which a friend was taken far too early but even then he gave himself for others to live again. Simple principles and gratitude have stuck with me since then: making sure we take everyday into account as though we may never see tomorrows sun rise, we truly have no control over the clocks hands of time. Donating my kidney is something I have been mulling over for a year or so now, it’s been discussed in my head more than out loud, but I have done the proper research and have made sure I met the medical requirements. I have decided that come this winter I will be giving someone the gift of life for Christmas. I live in a world where I forget to appreciate my health, love, and happiness – I sometimes forget that sincerely not a whole lot of people are as fortunate, and for that I am showing my gratitude.

At first I wanted to do a non-directed donation, which is a donation to an anonymous individual that is chosen at random from the waiting list by the transplants panel and committee members, we would have the opportunity to meet but only if both parties agreed, I wanted to go with this option because it would relieve my fear of meddling the role of God. Then life started happening, the wheels started turning, and I started thinking….I don’t want my kidney going to a real shit head of an individual [although I could be included in that category] what if it’s transplanted into a criminal, or a registered sex offender? Oh hell…what did I do.

I changed my mind – if God wills it within the body I choose then that’s what he wanted, I am not a woman of high faith but I do believe in the opportunity to live through donation. I reversed my initial decision of non-directed donation to Direct donation of an unrelated donor, where I am able to give to someone I know, who knows me, a circle of friends, or a complete stranger of my choosing. Now I ran into the same problem of playing God and I felt that I was having too much to do with who’s going to live or die, then I thought to myself – if it’s my damn kidney I think I should get some sort of say, yes there are those shiny laminate letters that spell out D-O-N-O-R on my drivers license, but that’s for when I’m not around to make these decisions. If I left it up to the transplant committee, wouldn’t there be a boat load of built up bias there as well? I decided to tempt fate.

The largest argument for this donation has truly been “what if something happens to a family member and they need a kidney”…well that exactly, what if? 1. I come from a LARGE family – to put it mildly, where one or 73 of my family members would be willing to step in and contribute as well – I currently have no spouse, and have no children; if my parents were to need one I know that without a doubt we wouldn’t have a problem throwing one their way. 2. I have ‘waited’ for 22 years for something to ‘happen’ to a family members kidneys [essentially speaking] and nothing has, that’s life – the day I donate, someone in my immediate family could really need a kidney – but I will never know, so the question should be – “do I keep it for the ‘just in case’ or donate it to help someone who actually needs it right now to live?” [That’s a rhetorical for me]

Another popular concern is “what if something happens to your own health and kidneys start failing what are you going to do then?” Well I plan to rest on the goodness of the human race and hope for someone out there to do like I plan and donate to help those suffering, live. Generally speaking, when the kidneys become defunct with bacteria/infections, they attack both kidneys – never one or the other, leaving us to thank the lucky stars that we had that right side kidney hanging out for when lefty bit the dust. So if I were to get sick and my kidneys were to become defunct, they wouldn’t do any good then anyways – I’ll rest in good faith on my good health.

When casually speaking to a friend about my decision the question arose: “What if the recipients body rejects it…how will you feel?”

Honestly, that one threw me for a loop – how would I not hurt and feel for that family after everything they went through? Regardless I wouldn’t regret my decision one bit, I will be happy that I put my best foot forth to give someone their second chance, if their body rejects it then that’s God’s will and it’s out of both of our hands. All I can do, is all I can do.

Whatever this journey brings my way, I look forward to seeing someone benefit from an organ they needed, see them play with their children – their parents – their friends. I hope to maintain a relationship with this individual and see them progress through life the way they were intended to. Either way whether I’m walking this Earth or six feet under pieces of me will go on to help others live – I think it’s a beautiful thing that I may just get to witness it in my lifetime – I always live by the words ‘Be the change you wish to see in this world’…this act reflecting no different.

Until next time:  Be Bold.

Which Came First…Chicken or Egg?

Again, this is a metaphor, it seems to be a recent adaptation in the life of Meg Sweeney that individuals have taken the time to stake claims on things that are mine – not appropriating the proper credit where credit is due, or acting dumb when it’s called upon… these individuals clearly don’t know enough about me.

“Ooooh Paul likes a link? I’ll stalk it out to see if I dig it too”…. ‘hmmmm this sounds familiar, where have I heard this’….piano piece continues to play the prelude of the song on the audio player….’holy shit, this is me playing….’

Upon happening across this tidbit of music it quickly became apparent that the sweet musical melody that was kissing my ears happened to be my own…the first song I had ever sat down to write and finished it in one day. Now that goes to show exactly how non extensive my piano abilities are, nonetheless, I can still play. I wrote this song on a warm summer day when I had begun to  play abnormal chords together, I liked the way it sounded and so that’s what I memorized, I mentally wrote it down – see my downfall for the piano is that in which I have zero ability to read music, I play everything by ear. I entitled the arrangement ‘A Song For Two’s’ because the way it’s played is in muted synchronization with two other chords that sound swell together, each of my favorite two chords played at the same time.

Now by no means when I wrote this did I expect anything to happen to it, it was more of a ‘cross this off the bucket list’ kinda jig, an internal accomplishment of self-worth to show that I really could do something I don’t normally; and by that I mean ever, do. That doesn’t seem to be the criteria for previously stated person of the dumb.

You see two things I stand for in life 1. always do the right thing, following your moral compass that generally speaking points North unless it’s a Saturday night 2. Stand for what you believe in for what you have means nothing, but your words and your actions are worth everything, they define you into the human being you know yourself to be and the perception and portrayal others mentally note you to be. I had a similar run in a few months ago with a blog stalker (literally, refer to previous post somewhere back there) and this is no different, I’m calling your ass out like I’m taking attendance. I have no interest in mentioning his name or the song – I do however have interest in the portrayal of self, you see this individual is an ex boyfriend of mine (yeah those words even tasted bad in my mouth) not my proudest moment in life, but hey we live, we learn, we grow up and move on….well some of us.

I completely get it though: Guy likes girl, guy gets girl, girl is good to guy through and through, guy cheats on girl, guy is a piece of shit, guy mentally warps all aspects of life to get girl back – chivalry is dead, however the thrill of the chase apparently isn’t – girl tries to make sense of it but turns a blind eye and takes guy back, guy fucks up again (shocker right?), girl gets off a plane from Mexico and dumps his ass (insert virtual high-five here). Guy is jaded, girl is equally jaded (all at the same person respectfully so), guy and girl try to have comradeship (very loosely speaking), guy can’t handle it because he’s “still in love with you Meg” (in laymens terms ladies, that means he can’t control the situation or the girl anymore so if it’s not his way it’s no way) girl wants nothing to do with that anymore, guy gets pissy all over again and walks away, girl says ‘byeeeee’, guy ruminates for a VERY long time I’m sure, girl goes on with her life meets the man of her dreams (very loosely speaking), guy releases new mix tape, girl, by every aspect of the word accidentally, stumbles upon the tunes, guy proves histories repetition because girl says ‘what a piece of shit’. Guy must be sitting comfortably thinking he somehow has the ‘last laugh’ in every sick sense of the meaning in his convoluted world, girl call his ass out, guy changes song two days later, girl smiles, girl has no interest in ‘winning’ still – just doing what’s right and honoring her word and actions.

That’s the rough outline – but it sure does make for a riveting version of ‘Let me hand you your own ass on a platter’ book series, coming soon to a book giveaway near you.

All in all it’s as simple as this for me – be a good person, and do what’s right as often and as well as you can, I have little prized possessions in my life – that’s why I have a blog. My words mean a lot to me, hence why I share them with the masses (who are we kidding the minimums) and my actions, time, and talents do as well (I’m no Beethoven, but I wrote the song and it’s rightfully mine) I pride myself on the things I say and do more than anything both in real life and virtual life, and he knew it would get to me if he used it and refused to put the proper kudos on the song, so I called him out and said change it or put my name where it belongs – whatever you choose, you’d better do it swiftly. And for all devils advocate sake – it really did get to me and bother me, after all this time you would have the audacity to do that, I mean you are a total asshole but even for you that’s pretty low; then I took a step back and looked at it for what it was. I haven’t forced you into talking to me, I haven’t meddled in your business, I haven’t done anything of sorts to hurt you – yet you’re willing….after all this time, to rehash the wound so that you can get the ‘last laugh’…at least do it to your own track kiddo. Cheers to you for changing it, seriously, that woulda been mighty embarrassing having to tell all your fans that the origin was from an ex girlfriend who wrote the piece you are now trying to pass off as your own….smart move on your part – I think it only took you 22 hours to figure out I still have the original video of me playing the song, with my face sitting at my piano….that’d be a tough one for you to weasel out of, even for the slimiest of folks.

So now that it’s been brought to my attention, addressed and dealt with properly, I can now put it to bed and get back to the stellar life I’m having not picking fights or blowing kisses.

So Mr.Kidfresh answer me one small riddle: Which came first – the jaded performer who is a talented songwriter but doesn’t play a wink of the piano or that one gal you let get away who wrote a song once upon a time and left the CD clearly in the wrong hands?? I’m dying to know your answer. God Speed – you need it.


p as in p, s as in s – if you don’t know who Lucy Michelle is, check her out – her voice is brilliant – I would marry her voice (and more than likely her) if the opportunity arose. Cheers to you doll, keep on keepin the talent alive.