Free To Be Me

clo·sure/ˈklōZHər/Noun

Notice that closure is presented to us as a noun, not the verb we allow it to be. Closure is undefinable in both presence and mental capacity, we define things as closure to help ourselves, because even if we are all alone and get that ‘closure’ we seek, then we’re suddenly all together in that ‘loneliness’ too. Closure is an immeasurable means to no end of our own and to others. I get so lost in why so many people get caught up in not living because they need ‘closure’ from a certain situation, being, first and last name. Something they may never get, yet they are willing to compromise themselves and their lives because they think this gesture will be the final band-aid on the 7 year papercut that has been reopening between their fingers for the previous amount of any given time.

I’ve made these observations from both first and third person situations, I was that girl; waiting on those words I’d already written to someone else’s script, to be heard and finally allow me to close the last page of that volume of my life. Most people have chapters, few people have novels, but for my experiences as equivocal, endearing, or even-handed as they may be, they have filled encyclopedia’s worth of journals sitting on my shelf waiting for their day to be published.

When all is said and done, I’m me; and for that I don’t apologize, I have always waited upon closure to start living – facing the music; there are others lives I have learned from in which I’ve made this full circle realization …you may never get that phone call, string of kind words, drunk text, or sweet nothings that you’re hoping for. And as painful as that may be – and for as selfish as it may sound, don’t let someone else’s words hold you down in any manner and don’t wait for that hypothetical thumbs up to ‘go ahead and start living’ you’ve been waiting for. The clocks hands don’t stop even though yours might have, waiting to live is comparable to wasting living.

The second I gave myself permission and forgave myself for any sort of guilt I felt, I woke up with a clearer perspective and an agility to begin the day for there is always the possibility that before even half of it is over – it may very well be our last. I wrote these words to myself to keep me going when I felt like looking back, don’t ever look that way unless that’s where you want to go. I’m me, loving and living free. No ones going to hold me down, I’m liberating my future, something that my past will have no hold on – closure or not for all of time. I’m living now and am living for me happy as the birds that fly above the tress, because I’m free to be me.