written over a year ago..
You, stunningly handsome, your face holding a certain sense of sustain while glowing by the heat of the fire; it happened to be an exceptionally cold February night, even for Minnesota where we birth snowmen and begin to raise them with eskimo like tendencies. Curled up, as though our bodies perfectly embodying the others would melt the snow and begin to make tulips appear, birds chirp, and the sweet smell of spring woft throughout the air. As I lay there in the silence of the darkness listening to your steady breaths, I realize how in sync we happen to be, there’s this undescribable feeling I endure wrapped up in you, the simple scent of you, your breath on the back of my neck and the way I can feel your eyelashes tickle my nose lets me know that you’re not really sleeping.
“Can I tell you something without you getting freaked out?”
“Ya, is everything ok? Are you alright?”
No words were ever spoken, for the sweet smell of homecooked food had filled the air and dinnertime was upon us, the question had now manifested within me – curiously glancing at you over dinner and conversation, I saw you catching my glimpses; and that smile that makes me melt swept any fears I had away, like a rising tide.
Back downstairs letting the warmth of the fire gently kiss our skin while i lay in the comfort of your arms feeling right at home, you stroke my golden curls while we talk about the days events and mental hurdles we’ve been racing with in our heads; the way your words come tumbling out of your mouth is magical, I can feel them sweep past my ears almost telling me, ‘hey I know you heard me, but I’m letting you know I’m here to stay”. There’s a certain weight each word holds – drawing me in closer, I pay attention to the tones in your voice, always indicating you’re speaking from your heart and you’re being honest. You finish a sentence and allow it to linger in the air for a while; until I feel your body begin to move, first your hand to my waist spinning me to a parallel that is face to face; not just that, but being so close I can only look at one eye or the other. I then feel your hand searching for mine, your breath picks up and you are looking everywhere but at me, as if searcing the room for the words you wish to gather in formation of your next sentence.
‘oh no is this the part where he tells me he doesn’t see this working out, I’ve invested so much into this now and I’m head over heels for this man and it’s now all gone to waste. Tomorrow morning is going to be filled with picking up pieces and a small lesson in the how-to get over someone and the hurt you feel…or maybe he..’ my mind can’t afford to wander much further if I want to maintain my tact and composure.
“Meg, I….uh, I….” then that smile sweeps across your face again, the one where you bite on your bottom lip because you think the shit grin from ear to ear is somehow offending me – or you don’t want to exude all your happiness at once, a marathon not a sprint sort of mentality…I watch you bite down on your lip your eyes wander over our hands and back up to align perfectly with mine.
It’s at this moment that everything inside of me is feeling so overwhelmed with how much I feel for you that, although you have something important to say, I would just love to kiss you all over until it’s humanly impossible or a bad case of suffocation is involved.
“..I Love You.”
To date I’ve never felt a feeling such as the one I did this night, never when another man has said those words to me or even more serious words did I feel anything remotely close to this. You’ve made it an art the way you captivate me and draw me in closer to you. It’s as though being in your essence, at that moment, has made me a better person.
We ended that night watching the (new at the time) movie walk the line, almost as though we were predicting our future we leaned over to one another and made a pact.. “like Johnny & June” we had said. In our definition; through all lifes situations and bumps in the road we’ll always be there for each other, for joyous and momentous occasions – through heartbreak, and sadly, death. At the age of 16 the weight of those words would’ve been the equivalent of a child promising not to lose his lunch money, from anyone on the outside looking in. I can honestly say for the next five and a half years we went through some awful/amazing/emotional/wonderful/trechorous/awe inspiring/and truly nightmarish things together – side by side we’ve always been; like Johnny & June – minus the low voice and black suit for you Wills, minus the washboard and southern accent for me.
To this day I relish in that pact we made almost 7 years ago, praying that the universe is creating some way to bring you back to me; I can’t control the situation, I can’t make you be with me or want to be with me, I’ve let you go once and I’ve left our love to fate. Something I’ve never believed in since you – I’m right here, ready to write our love story.
I wanna love, love you that much, cash it all in, and give it all up & when you’re gone, I wanna go too…Like Johnny & June.
Ever mine, ever thine, ever ours. M